Cet article aurait été idéal dans la catégorie "bizarrerie chinoise" mais voilà, cela fait parti aussi de notre quotidien ici en Chine... Pour l'anglais, ceci n'est pas de mon ressort, merci à
Pic de m'avoir envoyé ce petit "You know you've lived in China too long when...". Ca ne fera de mal à personne un petit peu d'anglais.
Quant à nous, bon bah heureusement nous n'en sommes pas encore à ce stade avancé de chinoiserie (pas totalement en tout cas) mais on commence à s'en approcher
dangereusement !! ;)
You know you've lived in China too long when...
Tu sais que tu es resté trop longtemps en Chine quand...
1. You're at an expensive western restaurant and don't even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone.
2. You enjoy karaoke.
3. You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio.
4. The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism.
5. You smoke in crowded elevators.
6. All white people look the same to you.
7. You like the smell of the bus.
8. You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.
9. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.
10. You find western toilets uncomfortable.
11. You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person).
12. You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy.
13. You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute.
14. A sexual pervert is a man who prefers women to money.
15. It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window.
16. You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster.
17. You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software
18. You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown.
19. You tell your parents their house back in your home country has bad "feng shui".
20. You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off.
21. You always leave tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks because you insisted it is the way to keep everyone employed.
22. You buy an XXXL T-shirt in store when you returned home.
23. You take large sum of cash whenever you go hospital in home country.
24. You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor.
25. You think it's silly to buy a new bike when it'll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price.
26. You'd rather pay the 10 yuan for an all night stay at the internet cafe than the 30 for a taxi home.
27. You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut.
28. You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise).
29. You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
30. It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
31. It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.
32. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400 per month can drive a Mercedes.
33. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.
34. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.
35. You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
36. You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
37. You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
38. You look over people's shoulder to see what they are reading.
39. You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk.
40. Car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour.
41. Shopping at Carrefour some laowai stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what laowai's eat.
42. You have figured out that it is actually the Taiwanese who are running this country.
43. You have a pinky fingernail an inch long.
44. You burp in any situation and don't care.
45. You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work.
46. You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for.
47. You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to
overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them.
48. You are able to jump the queue because the idiot laowai left 2 centimeters between themselves and the person in front of them.
49. You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules.
50. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai.
51. You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.
52. The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card.
53. You think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf and a feather duster in the trunk.
54. You go to the local shop in pajamas.
55. Looking out the window, you think "Wow, so many trees!" instead of "Wow, so much concrete!".
56. Pollution, what pollution?
57. You think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate answer to the question "What are you giving me, doctor?".
58. Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why.
59. Firecrackers don't wake you up.
60. Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back.
61. You wear out your vehicle's horn before its brakes.
62. You buy a top-of-the-line karaoke machine.
63. Forks feel funny.
64. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals.
65. You get homesick for Chinese food when away from China.
66. You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, "Go away; leave me alone".
67. All the top-level government officials you befriended for guanxi purposes when you first arrived are retired and living in your country.
68. After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to.
69. Your company offers you a job in your native land, and includes regular "Home Leave" to China as an incentive.
70. You think of "salad" as diced apples in mayonnaise.
71. You don't bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans.
72. You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.
73. Your handshake is weakening by the day.
74. You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.
75. Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat.
76. You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other.
77. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.
78. You like the taste of Green Tea and Chivas.
79. You start recognizing the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver.
80. You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you.
81. You are no longer fazed with men staring at your chest, or talking to them.
82. Sitting in the KFC window drinking coffee with a friend and having people crowd around and look at you like a monkey in the zoo no longer annoys you.
83. One asked "Where you from" and you answer Xinjiang, they believe you.
84. Standing on a bus with a man spitting on the floor continuously no longer bothers you.
85. Your favorite meal is either Fish heads or Chicken feet.
86. You automatically translate what the Xinjiang barbecue guys just said so your other Chinese friends can understand.
87. You eat rice at least twice a day and you feel empty if you don't.
88. You slurp your soup right outta the bowl and think nothing of it (while you are in a western restaurant).
89. People ask you what is this in English or how do you translate this, your mind cos blank because you too have forgotten.
90. You no longer find hairy armpits on women revolting.
91. The sound of people chewing on gristle or bones no longer irritates you.
92. It no longer amuses you when a group of people go pass and then you hear a small "hello" followed by how are you, I'm fine thank you.
93. You accept the fact that the main point of religion is to pray for money and success.
94. You stop wondering how it is that men outnumber women by the tens of millions and fat disgusting men still have hot young girlfriends.
95. You also accept that pigeon/dove are the same animal. The same goes for alligator/crocodile and ostrich/emu, or any other animal that has a slight variation in its family.
96. You refer to the ol'chairman as Mao Ye Ye.
97. You know that Muslim barbecue is superior to its imitation.
98. You find seatbelts restricting.
99. A decent breakfast is a cigarette and porridge.
100. You're no longer in the habit of using articles when speaking English.
101. You think fried bee larva is delicious.
102. You don't look twice when someone is smoking in a school or hospital.
103. The smell of Chinese bathrooms makes you feel clean.
104. If someone shoves you and almost knocks you over in a queue you don't expect an apology.
105. You get annoyed if a taxi driver doesn't often drive into oncoming traffic.
106. You blow your carhorn at a Police car if it is in your way.
107. You feel like a jerk for being in the way if you almost get run over by a car.
108. You prefer to have Chinese Pop stuck in your head over American.
109. You want all your American friends to get QQ.
110. You spit out bones, seeds and anything else directly onto the dinner table.
111. You'll bargain ruthlessly just to save 22 cents.
112. You no longer laugh when a kid tells you his name is Restaurant, Racecar, Jacket or Machine Gun.
113. The smell of stinky tofu doesn't faze you anymore.
114. You complain about that price difference of DVDs/VCDs/CDs bought in the stores and on the streets.
115. You are not surprised when your garbage lady answers her cell phone and keeps digging through your trash!
116. You (female) stop wanting to be tanned in summer and start carrying an umbrella.
117. You no longer feel that females look like prostitutes wearing tight short shorts in the summer.
118. It doesn't shock you anymore when you can see female's underwear through their dress.
119. You shove the guy before you back to where he stood half a minute before in the queue, barking a loud "hou mian, hou mian, ni nongmin!".
120. You dial the wrong number, and instead of saying "buhao yi shi, wo da cuo le..." you simply hang up.
121. You can open and hull sunflower seeds with your tongue.
122. You eat so many sunflower seeds you now have a dent in one or both of your front teeth.
123. You have a jar full of "fen" (Chinese pennies) at home.
124. You can climb 6 flights of stairs without a rest stop.
125 .You dress according to the calendar instead of the weather, e.g. wearing 3 or 4 layers in April, even when it's 20 degrees Celsius outside.
126. You have trouble sleeping when you go home for a visit because it's just too darn quiet.
127. You feel at home when you hear mosquito's buzzing near your ear.
128. You can sing "The Moon Represents My Heart", in English and in Chinese.
129. You forget how to program a VCR at home because that is obsolete technology in China.
130. You wonder why everyone is so fat back home, even the Asians!
131. You have ten different responses to the question, "Do you like China?".
132. You know ten different ways to point out a foreigner in Chinese.
133. You stare at other foreigners.
134. You stare back (especially at knockout women).
135. You point out foreigners to your Chinese friends even though you're foreign yourself.
136. You no longer find it humourous that the bus never really stops to pick people up; it just sort of slows down.
137. You find yourself asking anyone and everyone if they can make the price cheaper.
138. You know words in Chinese for which you don't know the translation in English.
139. Your mashed potato has squid guts and fish heads in it...and you think it tastes fine.
140. You answer "China" or some Chinese city when people ask where you're from.
141. You answer "China" or some district name when people ask where you live.
142. You answer "ni hao", giggle, and run away when someone says hello to you.
143. You pick your nose, burp, fart, and scratch so much even your Chinese friends get embarrassed.
144. You start thinking that stupid questions are reasonable.
145. You call home and your family tells you to speak faster and stop correcting their grammar and pronunciation.
146. You think that having the runs for 2 weeks is normal.
147. You don't have any idea what something is, but you'll eat it anyway.
148. If you just ate it and liked it, you ask what it is so you can order it next time.
149. You know what it is and you eat it anyway.
150. You have strict mental rules as to when you reply to a hello (ie person must be within a 20 foot semi circle radius and not with a group of men).
151. You completely ignore most people who say hello to you.
152. You have a conversation while sidestepping feces, vomit, and mysterious green puddles on the sidewalk without blinking.
153. You see a woman with dyed hair and trying to figure out of she's Chinese or foreign by walking fast to catch up.
154. You eat cake with chopsticks.
155. You don't eat your cake anymore, after all cake is for food fight only.
156. You've stopped wondering why it takes a 20 gallon flush to clear a 2 ounce pee.
157. You answer "So is mine" when people say their English is so poor.
158. You convince yourself that it doesn't matter how dirty the cooks' hands are, cooking will fix it.
159. You think squats are great because no one can piss on the seat.
160. You think Yang Rei (CCTV9 "Dialogue" program) is an unbiased reporter.
161. You believe that anything done to you is because you're not culturally sensitive enough.
162. You stop wondering why they're not culturally sensitive to you, their guest.
163. You are becoming proficient in 4 other languages: Mandarin, local dialect, Chinglish, and gibberish.
164. If there are only 4 screaming children running around the classroom, you consider it a good primary class.
165. If there are only 4 students sleeping, you consider it a good middle school class.
166. If there are only 4 dictionary obsessed nerds, you consider it a good language center class.
167. If you're only mocked in public 4 times, you consider it a good day.
168. You love tofu because there's nothing to spit out and it doesn't have any taste.
169. You start saying "play computer", "I very like" and other assorted Chinglish.
170. You know exactly what CS is, and you can't live without playing it at least once a week.
171. You hold hands with men and think nothing of it.
172. You avoid touching women like they have cooties.
173. You get absolutely knackered at a 12 year old's birthday party while playing drinking games with children and munching on turtles.
174. You whole-heartedly agree with things that you don't agree with.
175. You can do almost anything standing on, but not actually wearing, your sneakers (i.e. change your pants)!!
176. You've got a pre-paid ticket with a booked seat for a soft-seat train or plane, but you still run like mad to make sure you get a seat.
177. You forget that vegetable soup is actually pesticide broth.
178. You laugh and smile when someone calls you a fat pig.
179. You point over your back with your thumb when using the past tense.
180. You watch TV and not know what the hell is going on but enjoy it anyway because of the women in the shampoo commercials.
181. You think that America's "60 Minutes" program is 48 minutes of bullshit and 12 minutes of commercials, but you can't wait for China's "60 Minutes", which will either be 60 minutes of
bullshit OR 60 minutes of commercials.
182. You're beginning to like fruit salad and mayonnaise.
183. You've stopped wondering why you only get bread if you order a chicken and mayo (mei you "nothing") sandwich.
184. You eat chocolate from home and: (a) miss the taste of salt and (b) bounce off the walls from sugar overload.
185. You've learned that it's okay to be 3 days/weeks late for appointments because everyone else is.
186. You've stopped wondering why restaurants don't clean up the barf right outside their door.
187. You've stopped wondering why people will step over it to get into the restaurant.
188. You've used those big toothpicks so often you now have circular gaps between your teeth.
189. You just love it when new brethren arrive and give you their list of what they will and won't do and eat.
190. You have accumulated hundreds of notes and addresses but you can't read any of them.
191. You start making commentaries when watching a VCD/DVD or in a theatre.
192. You think it's pleasurable to ride your bike down the road with 10 tones monster trucks flying past you 2 feet away.
193. You have no qualms that someone who thinks you're stupid and gullible has total control over your life.
194. A hike up a mountain calls for a plastic grocery bag full of junk food, later you add to the scenery by littering the ground.
195. You love and hate children at the same time.
196. You give names to your roaches and cry if one dies.
197. You know that the New Year's Eve countdown must begin before 11pm or you'll be doing it alone.
198. You start thinking instant coffee tastes pretty good.
199. You realize that all wild animals are to be caught and eaten and/or ground up for medicine.
200. You wear the same clothes all week because nobody cares.
201. Your biggest decision every morning is matching your tie color with your face mask.
202. Local drinking games are your most effective language learning environment.
203. Your daughter comments "there aren't the flies here, like in Australia", as she kicks the shit out of the way.
204. You eat your lunch while admiring the live baby rat in a cage (complete with watermelon rind for food) your friendly restaurant owner caught and is keeping for a pet.
205. Only five minutes of prep time for an unannounced class no longer fazes you.
206. You begin to question your own pronunciation.
207. Children ask if you like Chinese students you reply "Yes they are very delicious" without batting an eye.
208. You plan to ask students questions they must form their own answers to and you bring reading material along to occupy your time during the long silence that fills the period between you
asking the question and the first hand that tentatively rises.
209. Being served dog when you go out is no longer your greatest culinary fear.
210. Begin giving the staff ratings on the answers they give you based on their creativity rather than their candor or truthfulness.
211. You no longer expect the truth.
212. You can use "face" as a weapon.
213. You hear "7-Eleven" it reminds you of two of your students.
Suite
Moines venant se prosterner devant le
Jokhang
Les dvd c'est un peu comme un Kinder surprise : bin
justement, il y a toujours une surprise à l'intérieur.
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